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"So here you are, too foreign for home, too foreign for here, never enough for both." - Ijeoma Umebinyuo
What Does This Mean?
Ijeoma Umebinyuo’s quote, "So here you are, too foreign for home, too foreign for here, never enough for both,” captures the emotional complexity of migration—the sensation of being trapped between two worlds, never truly belonging to either. Home, as this statement indicates, transcends a simple location; it is a multifaceted, evolving feeling influenced by memories, identity, and time’s passage.
For many migrants, including my grandmother Carmen, who left Peru in the 60s, to create a life in England with my grandfather, this feeling is especially resonant. Even after over fifty years and approaching the age of 80, she retains the memories of the country she departed. While she has established a home in England, raised a family, and adapted to a new culture, Peru continues to be an integral aspect of her identity. Her experiences embody the duality present in Umebinyuo’s words—belonging everywhere yet never feeling completely at home anywhere.
This quote acts as a powerful reminder that migration involves more than just a physical relocation; it is also an emotional and psychological experience. It emphasises the lasting bond my grandmother holds with her native land, even as she manages a life influenced by two cultures. Therefore, the concept of home is not confined to a specific location but is instead rooted in one’s heart—a space that is both lost and carried within her, eternally connecting her origins with her present.
A Conversation with Carmen: A Life Between Two Homes
Dani: Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today. I'm excited to hear more about your life.
Carmen: Oh, Dani, it's my pleasure. Ask me anything you like.
Dani: Let's start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood in Peru. What was it like growing up there?
Carmen: Oh, Lima was wonderful. I have such fond memories. We lived close to the beach, and I used to spend all my free time playing outside with my siblings and cousins. We were always running around, swimming, playing games, getting up to all sorts. I had such a great time, happy childhood.
Dani: What were your dreams and aspirations as a young lady in Peru?
Carmen: That's a little sad, darling. You know, back then, things were different for women. My father, may he rest in peace, he didn’t believe in university for girls. He thought it was only for men. My brother went, but not myself nor my younger sister. I was the oldest, and very clever, but it just wasn't an option. So, the only thing I wanted, was to be a good wife and mother. That was what was expected of me.
Dani: And what was the role of women in your family and community? Were there expectations on you because you were a woman?
Carmen: Oh, yes. Women were expected to be homemakers, to take care of the family. It was all very traditional. Men were the providers. We were taught to be polite, to be good wives, and mothers too.
Dani: Then, how did you meet Grandpa, and what led to your decision to move to England?
Carmen: I met your grandfather at work. He was working abroad, in Panama and then Lima, and he came to the office where I was working. We fell in love, and he proposed. It was a big decision to move. I was sad to leave Lima and my family, of course, but I thought it would be a better opportunity for our children to grow up in England. When I look back now, I wish I had stayed longer in Lima. I moved in my mid-twenties. I feel like I missed out on a lot of my country.
Dani: What did you know about England before you moved?
Carmen: Not much, really. I knew it was a developed country, very different from Peru. I knew it was cold and I would need a coat!
Dani: Yes… so what were your first impressions when you arrived? What was the biggest culture shock?
Carmen: It was… different. I could tell that some of our friends were indifferent to me. It wasn't hostile, but… distant and quite unfriendly. That was a bit of a shock. And the weather, of course!
Dani: How did you adapt to the English language and customs?
Carmen: Luckily, I spoke good English. My parents sent me to an international school, which was rare for girls in Peru and lessons were taught in English. It helped a lot, but it was still a challenge. I found friends who were interested in my Peruvian life, and I even taught Spanish lessons at the community centre. That helped me settle in.
Dani: Did you feel welcomed by the community? Were there any instances where you felt like an outsider?
Carmen: Yes, I did feel like an outsider at times. Especially at first. But over time, I settled in. My accent improved, and people became more accepting.
Dani: How did the gender roles in England compare to those in Peru?
Carmen: In England, women had more freedom. They were working, going to university, going out with friends, and that was good. But I still felt a bit out of place at times.
Dani: Did you experience any challenges balancing your Peruvian cultural identity with your life in England?
Carmen: Yes, definitely. I visited Peru every year at first, but as the years went on, I felt like I was losing my identity. I started to feel like a foreigner in my own country!
Dani: Oh wow. Did you ever feel that you were treated differently because you were a woman and/or because you were Peruvian?
Carmen: Yes, sometimes. It was the little things, comments, or a feeling that I wasn't fully accepted.
Dani: Can you give me an example?
Carmen: Well, once at a shop, I was speaking Spanish when my sister visited me, and the cashier told us, “Speak English if you're in England." It wasn't a big deal, but it did make me feel unwelcome.
Dani: I'm sorry that happened. Did you experience anything like that related to being a woman?
Carmen: Perhaps not as overtly. But I do remember when I used to play golf. Some of the men at the golf club would make comments, you know, little jokes about women golfers. Or, they'd sometimes overlook me when pairing up for a game, even if I was the next in line. It wasn't always malicious, but it did make me feel a bit unwelcome at times.
Dani: Were there any differences in how you were treated in the workplace compared to your male or English counterparts?
Carmen: I didn't work much after I moved, mostly focused on family. But I know things were different for women back then, even in England.
Dani: How did you maintain connections to your Peruvian culture and family?
Carmen: I visited as often as I could, and I always spoke Spanish at home. I cooked Peruvian food, and I kept in touch with my family. I kept up my Peruvian passport alongside my British one. I still love my country, and I always will.
Dani: That's beautiful, Grandma. How have your perspectives on England and Peru changed over the years?
Carmen: I appreciate both countries, but I miss Peru a lot. England has been good to me, but my heart belongs to Lima. I think the relationship is good between the two countries. There's respect, I believe. No problems that I am aware of.
Dani: And how do you think England has changed since you first arrived?
Carmen: Oh, it's become much more diverse. People are more open now, more accepting. It's a good thing!
Dani: What advice would you give to another woman who was thinking about moving to a new country?
Carmen: Learn the language, embrace the culture, but never forget who you are. Stay strong and find your community. Definitely remember your roots!
Dani: What are some of the most important lessons you've learned in your life?
Carmen: Family is everything. Be kind, be resilient, and never give up on your dreams, even if they change.
Dani: Are you proud of the life you have created?
Carmen: Yes, I am. I've raised a good family, and I've had a happy life with my children and grandchildren in a different country.
Dani: Is there anything else you would like to share about your experiences?
Carmen: Just that I love my country, but I'm grateful for the life I've had. And that I’m so proud of you, Dani.
Dani: Thank you, Grandma. Thank you for sharing your experience.